Christmas Day

Well here I sit on Christmas day in Jason's basement. Him and Craig are playing Xbox and somehow I got roped into being here. I'm not a video game fan. Have NO interest in playing and even less interest in watching. So I took over his computer.

This Christmas has been pretty depressing. I realized this year that everything I really loved about Christmas doesn't exist anymore. Christmas has changed for all of us and it's never going back.

I'm at that age where Christmas doesn't mean much anymore. Sure I look forward to the food and watching people smile as they open the gifts I've given them but there is nothing else about it.

Most of my friends don't even come home anymore. They are all off in far off corners of the world with new lives and have no need for their old ones. My family barely gets along anymore. My cousins don't like my family and most of my family doesn't like my cousins. Besides that my Grandmother announced that there will be no Christmas Eve dinner at her place next year. You'd think that that would make me very sad since that is where I've spent Christmas Eve for the last 27 years of my life. But it's gotten so far off from what it used to be that I'm not even upset.

I miss my friends. They are all gone. They are all married, engaged or have a significant others. They don't have time for their friends anymore. Unfortunately for me I don't have someone with whom I can spend my time with. So while all my friends are busy with their other halves I'm alone. That really hit me this year. I'm ALONE.

While I was singing with the choir at Midnight mass that was probably the most alone I've ever felt. Karen's boyfriend was sitting in the congregation with his parents and it made me realize how far behind I am. All my friends are/have created new families for themselves. They are moving on to the next stage of their lives and I'm still here doing nothing all alone. Karen was my best friend. She was the one person who was always with me. Now I've lost her too and I have no one left.

Christmas now just serves to remind me how quickly I'm losing everything. And with so little left to lose it just makes December 25th even worse. Nothing has changed in 365 days. My life is EXACTLY the same. No hope. No escape. What a wonderful day while everyone else is plannig their amazing futures.